Girlfriend Not A Gamer? No Problem

Quite a lot of females these days have played a game or two when they were younger, a bit of Sonic here, Mario there and a few others in between. Well I thought to myself the other day how can I get my girlfriend to play a few games every so often (Mainly so I don't have to watch shitty soaps on the TV) Sure she enjoys the odd game of "Buzz" every so often yet surely if she enjoys that then she can enjoy a few more games.

Well it turns out that while talking the other night I found out that some of the games she remembers playing with fond memories are the Mario Bros, (What a surprise) Sonic and the Alex Kidd games So I decided to see if she would like a few other games on the Wii. Upon turning the Wii on she saw that I had Alex Kidd in Miracle World and her face lit up. The reason being that she used to play this with her brother as a kid (It's an awesome game that SEGA really should have built on instead of shitty follow ups that made Alex just vanish into history) So we had a quick go on that before resetting the Wii. (For some reason the Wii won't display the game correctly so it's not as enjoyable to play on there)

Next I put New Super Mario Bros into the Wii so that my better half could see how games can be just like the ones she played as a kid except a lot better as well. (She also commented on how the graphics were really bright and colourful, always a good thing to catch your girlfriends eye and try to hook them in) Before we knew it about 3 hours had passed before we turned off the Wii and went to sleep.

The next day at lunch Sam started talking about Mario again and saying "Can we play it again tonight?" So basically that's what we did for a few hours last night. Slowly but surely she is now getting the gaming bug, ok she wants to play a few games that aren't exactly what I would pick to play (although Cooking Mama is fun) Yet it is a start, so all I now have to do is just try and get her to try a few more games and really hook her in. Let's face it gaming is always more fun when 2 people play (although I will have to remember not to use some of the Call of Duty expletives some players use when I win)

So basically here are my tips to turn your non-gaming girlfriend into a gamer:

• Try to find out if she has ever played any games, and if so which games she enjoyed (ask her brothers, sisters, friends)
• Start of with Wii games as the controller is more girlfriend friendly (as she will still ask what does she press with only 6 buttons on the Wii-mote)
• Try and get updated versions of anything she enjoyed (New Super Mario Bros, Sonic Colours)
• Make sure you put the brightest and most colourful game on first to try and hook them in (Most females like colour and pretty things)
• Try and get something with short mini games as well, so she doesn't get bored. (Wario Smooth Moves, Cooking Mama or something like that where 5 minutes is enough for a game)
• Remember she may not be ready for generic shooter x or any other games for a while (You have to ease her into gaming)
• Be prepared for the fact that she may never like the same games as you, not everyone wants to play Call of Duty or Final Fantasy XIII
• Lastly if she does enjoy playing then just let her choose when she wants to play (Let's face it she will always want to watch shitty soaps like Coronation Street and East Enders)

If you follow those steps then you may just end up with another gaming partner, just don't ge

t pissed off when she starts beating you. Well I am off to see if I can get her to play Tatsunoko Vs Capcom, I highly doubt that she will, but I figure it's worth a try.

Games I Really Should Finish

The other night I was looking for something to play, staring at my shelves I saw quite a few games that I hadn't finished never mind some that I had still yet to start. So it got me thinking which games do I really need to play and finish before I forget about them completely, it also made me question why I hadn't finished them as well. I mean over the course of my life I have started and finished numerous games, even crap like My Horse & Me 2! So just why is it that I have some great games just sitting there on my shelf begging to be played to completion and I am just ignoring them choosing to play some pile of shite instead?

I bought this recently thinking I really need to play this after enjoying the first game (although I got bored with collecting all the flags in the first one so never finished that either) Since then it has been sat on my shelf for a few weeks only to be ignored. I am determined to play through the game sooner rather than later though.

I first bought inFamous on release and really did start to enjoy the game, although I did end up lending it to my next door neighbour the next day so he could see if he wanted to get it or not. About 2 months past until I finally got the game back, by then I couldn't be arsed with the game so put it on my shelf to collect dust.

Why I bought Killzone 2 is beyond me as I really didn't like the first game, (Which really should have warned me off the sequel) I still can't make my mind up over this game as I really don't like the control system, yet I have enjoyed the time I have spent with the game. Maybe I am just used to the controls on the 360 when playing shooters.

Split Second was one of those games that looked really good and I just had to play, yet so long after and I still can't be arsed playing it after dumping it onto my shelf. I think the reason why I stopped playing the game was either due to nagging or cheap A.I. (Hopefully it was due to nagging since I aim to give the game another whirl over the next few weeks)

Uncharted took the idea of Tomb Raider and ran with it resulting in a more solid and fun game, yet still this game got taken out of my PS3 and dumped on the shelf for some unknown reason. What really puzzles me though is as well as not finishing this game I also have the second one still sealed sat next to it.

What is really annoying though is these are just a few of the games that I need to either play or finish, its scandalous the amount I have spent on games just to never play. I know we all do it, but generic game x as it is on sale and seems like a bargain at the time, then 2 months on and it's completely forgotten about. Maybe I need to start looking at what I actually have to play in future rather than buying yet more games to ignore.

Flea's Non-Gaming Weekend

Me, My Uncle & Sam

Well over the last weekend I haven't really played anything at all as I went to my uncles wedding in Scotland. It was a great weekend though full of laughs and actually no fighting at all. (I didn't know you could have weddings without someone kicking off and spoiling it due to being pissed as a fart)

Wedding car & typical Scottish weather

Some of the highlights included my uncle asking the registrar for a date after the wedding if she wasn't doing anything, producing a kid's Mickey Mouse ring from his pocket to give to his future wife during the ceremony, and later at the evening event standing on a chair to dance with his bride as she was a few inches taller than him in her heels which had everyone in stitches.

My dad, uncle & me

Then after returning home late on Sunday night I ended up just watching a film with Sam. This was supposed to be followed up with a trip to Blackpool on Monday since we both booked the day off work, but due to shitty weather we just went to town and had Chinese Buffet and bought some bits and bats. (including some new games so expect something on those soonish) So that about sums up my weekend of none gaming.

Impressions: E.D.F. Insect Armageddon

As soon as I found out another E.D.F. game was being made I was rather excited, you see despite the flaws of E.D.F. 2017 on the xbox 360 there is a certain charm laying underneath that makes the game great. As a result I ended up buying Global Defence Force and Global Defence Force Tactics on the PS2 so I could see if these games were just as much fun.

After playing Global Defence Force I was quite surprised at how much more great features were in the game that were missing from it's successor E.D.F. 2017. Features such as the ability to pick between different characters and the use of a jet pack character that totally changed the way you played the game due to not only to the ability to fly but also the available weapons in the game for each character.

Insect Armageddon takes this formula and tweaks it slightly giving you 4 possible different character types to choose from. The trooper type is the standard soldier that has appeared in the other games, with mid level armour and manoeuvrability. The Jet pack type is basically the same as the pale wing character from G.D.F. except without the plasma weapons. (at least to the point I have used that type) Fast and able to get out of a horde of ants in a quick manner.

The next up is basically your heavy armoured type, slow and probably having superior fire power to the other types. Although to be honest I haven't even bothered trying this character out yet due to my insistence of using the tactical character.

The last character is the tactical type, this character has deployable turrets and lighter armour than the standard trooper. While this means he can take more damage dropping a turret and getting away from a swarm of enemies means you still thin their numbers while playing defensive at the same time, before then running in all guns blazing.

One thing I don't like about this game though is it feels like an E.D.F. game in name only, sure all the monsters are there and you still get your fellow troops saying dumb one liners that don't even make sense. There is just something missing though that takes away the shine of the game, some of the larger enemies see you just spamming the fire button for 5-10 minutes or sometimes longer. (Which then gets you thinking what's the fucking point in giving it so many hit points)

Then throw in the fact that there is only 15 missions in the game, so as soon as you start getting into it the game finishes. Sure there is the tagged on Survival mode as well as the remixed version of the game. Yet this is shocking when compared to both E.D.F. and G.D.F. which both exceeded 50 levels. The game feels like all the work has gone into the graphics this time around and the game play has kinda been tagged on at the end. It's as if all the great things that made the series a cult classic cheese-a-thon have vanished, yet strangely are all there at the same time. I did miss the ability to blow up the insect holes with rockets and other weapons, since in this game you now have to plant explosives. (Kinda like in Counter-strike) which kinda pissed me off.

I will always like the E.D.F. series yet this has to be one of the worst games I have played in the series. If you liked 2017 you may like this, but then again you could get left with a bitter taste in your mouth upon finishing the final level. Sure the Hectors have never looked better, the spiders are still annoying as hell with their webs yet someone has stolen this games soul. If you play it think the worst and hopefully you may enjoy Insect Armageddon a lot more than I did.

First Impressions: Tony Hawk Shred

HMV is currently selling "Tony Hawk: Shred" for a measly £17.99 on the PS3 and 360 so I just had to pick it up and give it a go. I originally bought it about a week ago and unpacked the board, receiver and game then. Placing the board next to my GH Guitar and the game on the shelf with my PS3 games ready for when I wanted to test the game out.

There was just one problem though, I kinda forgot all about the receiver while giving the game a try. This saw me swearing at the PS3 for not connecting to the board (much to the amusement of my missus) as I turned the system on and off about 3 times trying to get it to connect before grabbing the instructions and spotting the receiver unit just sat there secretly laughing at me.

Once the board was connected I had to go through the boring calibration which again seemed to take forever (about 5-10 minutes real time) once this was all sorted out I hopped on to "Quick Play" accidentally choosing to go through the training mode at the same time. (20 minutes and much boredom later) I was on my way, basically "Shred" is an on rails type of game kinda like SSX Tricky but simpler due to having to use the motion board.

The experience is a bit tricky at first and sometimes you can end up doing tricks by accident and taking a different path to the one your originally selected. (This should pass with time though as you get more used to the controller) I have to admit though that I did enjoy the experience and think the game could turn out to be something of a great game to play when you have a few friends round and the beer is flowing. I know the game got some poor reviews and a lot of people have avoided it, but you really should give the game a try if only for the experience. I can see Tony Hawk: Shred joining the likes of Buzz, Rock Band, Guitar Hero, Sing Star, Wii Sports and a few other games as a drunken party essential.

Duke Nukem Forever Sucks Balls

Duke Nukem Forever has been 12 years in the making; I can't help but feel that those 12 years have been wasted after playing the game. You can normally tell if you are going to like a game by the first 10-30 minutes of game play. Well after about 2 hours or so I had made up my mind that the game sucked balls. (Not balls of steel)

The first encounter with the cyclops was a great starting point to the game, sadly though after that I can't help but feel that the game started to go downhill fast. What should have been a great game just ended up feeling a bit shitty, the graphics while great in some parts looked crap in others. The whole feel of the game started to feel a bit of a let down, like the point where you control a remote control car to get a energy coil. Sure it's a bit different but I just thought "wow this is shitty" it just felt out of place.

Then shortly after you get shrunk down and end up climbing inside and driving another remote control car. This is where boredom really set in for me and once I completed this level and part of the next I had to reach for the off switch. Normally I would go back to a game I get bored off and give it another try to just see if I didn't like it just because of the mood I was in at the time. However Duke Nukem will forever be consigned to the shitty games I will never play again pile.

Glutton For Punishment

Demon Soul's is one major pain in the ass, this game has pissed off so many people in the first couple of hours that they have sworn to never play the game again. Well last time I was playing the game I decided to kill the shop keeper on the very first stage after buying some armour. I did this thinking that I would just be able to steal my money back and he would just re-spawn later in the game.

Unfortunately that wasn't the case and the result was I got nothing back and he never re-spawned at all. So I soldiered on with the game for as long as I could before finding out that my weapons and armour were not strong enough and it wasn't worth going on. All the time I had spent playing the game was now just a waste of time.

Yet this weekend I was just sat thinking about what I could play, and I decided to once again return to Demon Soul's. The game is still hard as nails and very infuriating, yet it just has this charm about it. This time I won't kill the shop keeper and hopefully get a lot further than I did last time, although I know there will be plenty of hair pulling moments along the way as the game punishes me for not blocking when I know I should or doing something retarded. That is all part of the charm of the game though; when you die its because you did something that was a dumb ass move on your part, not because the game is just being a twat for the sake of it.

E74 Error? Microsoft Can Suck My Balls!

So my 360 which I had repaired only 2 and a half months ago has broken yet again giving me the E74 error. I am now at the point where I have to truly consider if buying a new 360 is worth it, you see since the release of the 360 I have bought 6 different models which have all broken down apart from one. (Which is at my dads for when any of the kids go to visit him or he wants to play Burnout) I have had everything from the 3 red lights to other problems as the 360's just kick the bucket one after the other eventually. So as it stands if my 360 can't be repaired again as part of the 3 month warranty I got with the last repair then I will be throwing it in the trash.


So just why don't I but a new 360 to go along with the 100+ games I own for the system? Well for one reason the new 360's have a different HDD so I can't just put my old one on and carry on with games I were part way through playing. Sure I can probably get a transfer kit and spend about 2 days transferring everything over from one drive to another, but why the hell should I? I know a few people that still have the same 360 they bought years ago; but I also know a lot more who have had trouble and replaced their consoles numerous times. I know more than likely I will end up getting another 360 eventually, it just pisses me off that system after system just keeps breaking while my Snes from the 90`s still works without any problems.

Initial Impressions: Muchi Muchi Pork! & Pink Sweets

Muchi Muchi Pork!

Cave have decided to release two of their Shmup's in one pack, the first game we are going to take a look at is Muchi Muchi Pork! Apparently Muchi Muchi is a greeting on the phone so loosely translated the title is Hello Pork!) So just what does a game called Hello Pork! entail? Well basically you blow the crap out of everything in sight.

In Muchi Muchi Pork! the basic aim of the game from what I can tell is to basically free all the pigs that have been captured and stored on board enemy ships and vehicles. Shooting one of the ships sees a pig with a parachute appear on screen which upon seeing my son said "Are those pigs with parachutes? You don't half play some crap!" which I have to admit is the case some of the time, but every now and then crap looking games deserved to be played. (E.D.F. and Onchanbara: Bikini Zombie Squad being two of them)


As far as weapons go you have your standard gun which with a few upgrades adds a wide shot to do more damage. Then you also have a type of grinder that shoots out from the front of your ship (each one different depending on which you choose) which grinds the ships and pigs into large chunks of meat for some reason.

As far as shooters go this game isn't to bad an overall experience, yet I have to say that the sound while playing isn't worth a shit though, luckily enough though you are to busy shooting everything in site to care about it. Graphically the game isn't amazing to watch, yet while playing you hardly notice with all the pig catching action. As shooters go this is probably one of the more easier games to play and as such is ideal for beginners to the genre.

Pink Sweets

Cave 's other shooter in this pack is again another shmup that is slightly harder than Muchi Muchi Pork! (at least it seems to be after playing the two games one after the other) The storyline in this game I have no idea about. The game is just as mental as Muchi Muchi Pork! only for different reasons. (The bosses seem to be scantily clad girls in giant robots for some reason)


While being a bit mental the game looks a lot more like a shooter that you could have played back in the day at any holiday/seaside resort arcade. This game is probably my least favourite of the 2 games in the pack if only for the reason that I felt like I had played the game a million times before. That is one of the stigma's of the Shmup genre though as a lot of the games do seem to be to similar for some players. (Myself included at times) Lets break it down Shmups are normally either top down, side scrolling or both, (3d doesn't count in my book as most 3d Shmups suck) and that really does put a lot of people off playing these types of games as you would do say a generic platform game or halo medal of duty clone number 67.

With that being said though Pink Sweets is still a solid Shmup and is definitely worth taking a look at. (especially considering that the game comes in this double pack) Cave are known as the best in the business in the Shmup genre these days and with good reason as they create solid shmup after shmup. (Yes they are that good) So just what makes Pink Sweets a great game? Well er.. nothing really it is just another quality example of how a Shmup should be.

Long story short is this double pack worth your money to import from play-asia or somewhere else? Well if they were seperate games then I would say no, as a double pack? er.. probably still no until the price comes down a bit or your fanatical about Shmups as £57 is a bit steep in my book even if it does include basic shipping. (Plus all the text is in Japanese to further put more gamers of purchasing) Muchi Muchi Pork! and Pink Sweets are both great solid examples of the Shmup genre, it's just a shame so many people will never experience the games.

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Initial Impressions: Deathsmiles

It seems like an eternity since I last played a shoot 'em up like Deathsmiles, for some reason this genre of game is very hit and miss with gamers. I always think back to the 80's-90's arcade scene whenever I hear the word shmup, with games like Gradius, Pow 'n Twinbee and R-type probably being some of my favourite games of the genre.


Deathsmiles however fits into the category of pretty f'n weird Japanese shooters, (at least that's where I would put it) yet despite that Deathsmiles is pretty fun and shouldn't be overlooked. One thing that I like about this game is that before starting each stage is that you can pick the difficulty level, so if your finding that the game is a bit to easy you can always up the difficulty level. Cave have really catered for the newbies to the shmup genre. Which is good as it makes the game a lot more accessible than say Ikaruga and won't put people off playing other shmup's.

Deathsmiles features a storyline which I didn't really pay any attention to until the end. Basically 4 girls (selectable characters) who are all friends, have been trapped in another world and are trying to stop some dude from connecting the world they are trapped in to the Demon world. As far as the storyline go it does make a change to the usual crap about fighting off invaders from out of space. (It's probably just a matter of time until we get a storyline about a sperm being ejaculated from a penis and fighting your way to fertilize an egg in one of the more crazy Japanese shmup's)

Spanning about 8-9 stages this game will take about an hour and a half to 2 hours per play through. (although I could be wrong as I just put it on and played until completion without looking at the time) Graphically the game doesn't look to shabby (although it is hard at times to keep up with everything happening on screen as you switch direction to shoot the enemies) Cave have made a pretty good game with Deathsmiles, and the Pal version has been updated with extra modes and tweaks to the original 360 Japanese version. (That originally saw a release around 2-3 years ago)


Deathsmiles while being cheap (£17.99 from play.com) may not hold your attention for more than a day here and there. Especially in today's climate where games are mainly just thrown to one side rather than replayed more than a few times like back in the day, So for these reasons you may want to give the game a rent rather than a purchase. Although if you do like it please purchase the game so we may see other Shmup's being released in the future, and also to show your support for Cave and all the work they do.

Games You Should Avoid: Fit & Fun

Yeah! another keep fit style of game for the Wii, I was starting to panic that we didn't have enough shovel ware games. Luckily Nintendo's strict quality control no longer exists as shite game after shite game appear on the Wii. Long gone are the days when games on a Nintendo system should at least be playable and fun. You know games such as Metroid, Uni Rally, (Uni-racers for Americans) Blast Corps and many others.


Gamers don't want to play the latest games like Bulletstorm, gamers want more games like Fit & Fun. You can't beat all your mates coming around to your house for a party and putting the Wii on and playing something like Fit & Fun in your underpants. We gamers come in all different sizes (different being from podgy to wow now that's a fat ass) and lets face it we don't eat all that shitty food while gaming for no reason at all. Gamers need more calories than non-gamers so we can play C.O.D. for that 15 hour session while shouting "Ima gonna kill you fags" to our fellow gamers.

You wish you could look this good!

Lets face it your never going to look like thew woman on the box no matter how much you play the game for a few reasons.

1. Gender realignment isn't cheap
2. You probably will need a lot of expensive plastic surgery
3. The only chance of you getting an ass like hers is if you attack her in the middle of the night, and mount her over your mantle piece with her ass sticking out
4. She isn't even all that good looking as far as fitness trainers go.
   
5. She is flatter than a 10 year old boy
   
6. Exercise is fucking boring
7. You probably don't even own a Wii and if you do it's sat collecting dust
8. That's probably you in the above picture, and lets face it you can't polish a turd
   

So for those reasons I think you should avoid Fit & Fun on the Wii, hell just avoid it as a protest to all the shovelware that's being released these days.